Highlights from an A-Z guide to modern etiquette, written by Mark Hooper. For the entire list, click here.
B is for BlackberryThere is nothing more irritating in modern life than the message “sent via Blackberry”. Think: why would anyone want to know that? And what sort of person would want other people to know it? Referring to your Blackberry as your “Crackberry” ceased to be funny in 2005. Admitting you’re addicted to checking your emails while away from your desk is now considered nothing short of social suicide. Besides, it’s far more impressive to be uncontactable outside of office hours.
C is for Cameraphones
While the “happy slap” phenomenon is as clear-cut as moral conundrums get (it’s wrong), there is an increasingly large grey area where it comes to the correct usage of the cameraphone. In Japan, the tradition of “tachiyomi” (reading while stood up) has left newsagents and bookstores frustrated at customers photographing magazines rather than buying them. It’s a small step, they claim, from digital shoplifting and information theft. Meanwhile, British Transport Police claim that their fastest growing problem is sexual harassment by videophone. Far more worrying, however, is the casual acceptance of the phone as the new cigarette lighter at gigs, with a sea of glowing screens now greeting every concert performer. Ask yourself: is it really worth the grainy footage?
D is for Drugs
E is for Email
Emails are social timebombs waiting to happen. Remember: there is no “recall” button. While you can usually deny a verbal conversation, it’s hard to do so when it’s spelt out on screen. The appropriateness of your email etiquette will vary from office to office. If in doubt, consider whether you’d mind if your humorous clip, casual flirting or third-party bitching was forwarded to your parents or significant other.
F is for Free PapersG is for Green Angst
Some answers to the most common environment-related questions:
Yes, you can recycle plastic. Driving to your local bottle bank more or less cancels out any positive affect on your carbon footprint, but it’s the thought that counts.
The tipping point for the global warming debate was that cute computer animation of a polar bear slipping off a glacier.
Yes, insisting that green companies make a healthy profit merely panders to the capitalists who are creating the problem, but let’s not go there. No, being a carbon neutral citizen doesn’t make a blind bit of difference in the face of the oil industry, but it’s all about symbolism. Travel does still broaden the mind – but why not take two weeks off and go by boat? Hang on to those British Gas shares you bought when you were 16. If you sell them they’ll just end up in less scrupulous hands than your own.
H is for Hoodies
I is for iPods
iPods don’t actually cause deafness any more than Walkmen did 20 years ago. But there are some general rules of etiquette everyone should follow. For starters, turn the clicker function off as soon as you get it out of the box. It’s really quite annoying. Secondly, ditch the white headphones. They turn your ears into glowing beacons for Asbo kids in hoodies. Finally, don’t fall into the trap of thinking an iPod is your property in any traditional sense. Instead, think of it as a loan from Apple, to be traded in for the newest model as soon as its built-in obsolescence kicks in, several days after the warrantee expires.
J is for Jadism
K is for Knitting Circles
The Alpha Male is in retreat. He is emasculated in the workplace. He is no longer the breadwinner at home. His natural urges are considered Neanderthal. What’s he to do? Simple: take up macramé. Man needs to craft things with his hands, so in our super-protected society, it’s only natural he learns to knit himself a scarf. Just so we’re clear: there’s nothing wrong with this: some might say it’s his destiny.
L is for Love
Dating clubs have evolved into all kinds of peculiar permutations, from speed to online to singleton tents at festivals. But however desperate the format, never let it be said that love cannot flourish in this cynical age. If anything, we’ve become more exacting in our romantic lives than ever before. Marriage is now best entered into after a 10-year courtship, by which time you should have established if your partner is financially and psychologically viable. Largely because you’ll be on your third mortgage together and your children will be preparing for secondary school.
M is for MySpace
N is for Neighbours
O is for Obesity
P is for Patriotism
Q is for Quizzes
R is for Religion
S is for Sex
T is for Travelling
It used to be so much easier. Now, if we’re not worried by our carbon (omega) footprint, we’re out of pocket thanks to expanded congestion zones and road tolls. But rest assured public transport is the future. Those lucky enough to live in London can benefit from a subsidised free service known as the “bendy bus” (derived from the slang term “bent”, meaning morally corrupt.) The Tube’s straining infrastructure also allows every worker a half hour extension to their official morning start (known as “flexitime”). As for rural rail networks: they don’t exist any more.
U is for Underwear
V is for Virus
W is for Warfare
It is never a good idea to declare a modern war over, or to forget to plan for the uneasy peace that follows. It is also fairly impractical to try to invade terrorist organisations, given that they, by definition, tend not to all live in one place; or indeed, anywhere that can be differentiated from where you also live.
X is for X-rated
Y is for YouTube
Z is for Zidanity
The World Cup finals have a habit of throwing up heroes that embody the spirit of the age. There was Pele and the Beautiful Game. There was Gazza and his heart-on-your-sleeve crybaby patriotism. And in 2006 we had Zidane. How did the sport’s greatest poet cope with modern cynicism? Simple: he imploded with seething rage. The line between sportsmanship and gamesmanship no longer exists. It’s perfectly acceptable to dive, feign and fight your way to success. And if you fnd yourself on the wrong end of it, hit someone.
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